Because of my lovely medical mystery of a stomach I was on a feeding tube for about a month AFTER I got out of the hospital. This was already 2 months missed at work and I had a job where I was the boss and ran everything- so as goes this did not work well for the office, my co-workers, or company. So after the 3rd month and very little progress it was decided that I probably should be on disability… be replaced at my job… and become a housewife. The idea of staying at home and getting paid to do so sounded wonderful… except one small problem… I was sick as a dog. I slept all the time, had little to no energy, couldn’t eat anything without getting sick, and spent at least 3-4 days a week at a doctors office. Trying to get healthy became a full job in itself and unfortunately just made me miss work all the more.
You never realize what a big purpose you fill in the world until it is taken away from you. I would have done anything to do a report, or balance a budget, or even fire someone. All of those mundane every day tasks that I took for granted because something I craved. I hated not working. I hated doing nothing. I hated feeling like shit. I looked for things to keep me busy but the fact of the matter was that I was working 14+ hours a day at my job so surfing the net, organizing my pictures, online shopping, and even binge watching Netflix just wasn’t satisfying. Of course depression came but I covered it up and pretended like it wasn’t there. I couldn’t really tell what was causing it- me being sick, me not working, canceling the wedding (another blog post to come) , or worrying about money. Of course it was a combination of it all but instead of really dealing with it I made everything in to a joke, laughed at my heartaches, and trucked on. I tried to be the overly optimistic person even though daily I felt like I was slowly dying.
The act worked because everyone around me kept saying, “you are so so positive I just don’t know how you do it” or “I think I would crawl in a hole and die if this was happening to me”. I would reply that you got to do what you got to do and then go research holes to crawl in to when they left my side.
In the end I was left to wonder- what was my fortune? What could my future possibly bring?